 From the article:
"An addiction, goes the emerging understanding, begins with a flash of pleasure overlaid with an itch for danger: It’s fun to gamble or to drink, and it also puts you at risk (for losing your rent money, for acting like an idiot). Addictions bring pleasure, though they also build up a tolerance over time, as the addict requires more and more of the behavior (or substance) to get the same hedonic hit." Continued ... "Compulsions, by contrast, are about avoiding unpleasant outcomes. They are born out of anxiety and remain strangers to joy. They are repetitive behaviors we engage in over and over to alleviate the angst brought on by the possibility of negative consequences. If I don’t check my phone constantly, I’ll miss an urgent demand from my boss or will feel like I don’t know what is going on. If I do not religiously organize my closets, my home will be engulfed in chaos. If I don’t shop, it will be proof that I can’t afford nice things and am headed for homelessness. “A compulsive behavior is one that’s done with the intent of decreasing an overwhelming sense of anxiety,” said Jeff Szymanski, executive director of the International Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Foundation. The roots of compulsion lie in the brain circuit that detects threats, which is abnormally active in people with OCD and other compulsions." Great work and an informational piece. Read more here.
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This post was originally featured on WellnessUniverse.com.
I recently became a Diplomate in the Academy of Cognitive Therapy (ACT). The ACT is the only cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) certifying agency in the world. Joining this elite group of therapists is quite an honor. There are many therapists in the world that can say they are CBT trained but only 750 people in the world can say that they are CBT certified. One of the greatest benefits of being an ACT Diplomate is joining their ListServ. Some of the most prestigious CBT therapists in the world are on this list and share their perspectives on a daily basis. Unfortunately, much of this information does not get outside this small network and the clients they work with. In a recent ACT ListServ email from Reid Wilson, Ph.D., Dr. Wilson shared some helpful videos about anxiety relating to his new book Stopping the Noise in Your Head. I thought the videos were fun and demonstrate important concepts in CBT. About Dr. Wilson: He has spent much of his 30+ year career providing free or inexpensive ways to help people combat anxiety and worry, and encouraging them to seek CBT services when appropriate. In promoting his new book, Stopping the Noise in Your Head, he released a free video series called Noise in Your Head, which follows a young woman, Susan, in her struggles with anxiety. Here are a few of the highlights from each video:
This post was originally featured on Vox.com
It was a Thursday night around 11, and I was making coffee in the office kitchen. I was just about to start my shift. But before I could finish stirring, my supervisor came in. She looked more worried than usual. "Are you ready?" she asked me. "This guy's really going through it." "I can take it," I said. A month earlier, I'd decided to volunteer overnight at the Didi Hirsch Suicide Prevention Hotline. This was the time of night that drew the most hopeless of callers. Walking into my glass-walled cubicle, I set down my coffee, opened my notebook, took a deep breath, and picked up the phone. "Hi, my name is Nick. I see your name is Johnny." I didn't wait for a response. "What's going on tonight?" A voice erupted on the line. Johnny was panicked, talking fast. There was so much intensity in his voice it was as if he were strapped to a detonating bomb. From his rolling R's and extended "o," I guessed he was Hispanic, young, but I never truly knew who was on the line. That was the point: strangers speaking with strangers. When people call a suicide prevention hotline, they often don't know how to start the conversation. How do you tell someone you want to kill yourself? Johnny was no different. When I asked him what was wrong, he launched straight into a litany of terrible experiences, the worst of which was the end of a recent relationship. He was distraught. He felt helpless and unable to change his situation, and he was ready to end his life. "Are you thinking of suicide?" I asked. "Yeah," he replied timidly. I could sense he had never said the words aloud. "And how are you thinking of killing yourself?" "I'm going to jump in front of a train." I took a deep breath. I was shocked. Usually the answer to that question isn't so specific. "And where are you now?" I asked. "I'm lying down on the train tracks." My stomach churned. My throat tightened. My foot began shaking, and I closed my eyes. I felt a bead of sweat run down the side of my face. I needed to support Johnny quickly, and that meant meeting him on his terms. I imagined his each and every move. I focused on each sound I heard in the background. I tuned in to the tone of his voice, his cadence. I listened to his breathing, the sense of anxiety and dread building. The absence of sound or talking could be just as important. But I had to find something I could use to connect with this man, to join him in his suffering. That was the priority. "What's that noise? It sounds like people." I asked. "Just some drunk teens being assholes." I could hear them in the background taunting Johnny: "Look at that idiot, what is he doing?" "The world's against you tonight, eh, Johnny?" "Yeah, nothing new." "So it's not just tonight. You've been hurting for quite some time," I said. "Yeah, no one cares. I've been doing this on my own for too long. I'm done." "Have you shared how you've been feeling with anyone other than me?" "Yeah, plenty of people. They just tell me to ‘suck it up,' ‘don't be such a downer,' or offer me a beer. I'm tired of feeling like a burden." "You sound exhausted, hopeless even. You've been trying to connect with someone about what you're going through and encouraged to face it alone, until tonight." Johnny was silent. In the distance, I thought I heard the burgeoning sound of a train whistle. My heart rate quickened. ** We all suffer. That's not just some Buddhist dogma — in my job as a mental health therapist in Los Angeles, I'm reminded that it's true every day. We may differ in the impetus of our suffering, the intensity of that suffering, and our response to it, but we share the universal burden. I've found accepting our own helplessness can be a transformational experience; so can joining another in their experience of pain. Unfortunately, many of us suffer alone. After years in entertainment marketing, I decided to examine my life — I wasn't particularly happy, and I wasn't sure that my career was right for me. I sought out a therapist, and in treatment was asked a clarifying question: What times in my life did I feel most alive? I discovered it was when I felt connected to another person, not necessarily in space, but in conversation. I reoriented my life around this revelation, allowing myself to explore a lifelong fascination with mental health. I joined the suicide prevention hotline, but quickly learned that a keen interest is not the same as aptitude or experience. I was surprised by the exhaustive volunteer training regimen for the hotline: It lasted months, each session opening with an in-depth lecture on a mental health topic followed by a series of group role-plays focusing on that day's topic. Until I began training, I hadn't realized how unprepared I was for my new career. I considered myself an empathetic person, a supportive friend, somebody who was caring to strangers — but I was severely mistaken. It was during one of these training sessions — a Saturday afternoon role-play with a mentor — when I was confronted with the extent of my incompetence. My mentor had a history of bipolar disorder. He struggled with suicidal ideation in his own life and had made serious attempts to end his own life. But his suffering made him especially adept at connecting with high-risk callers. He had an innate ability to join callers in their experience of suffering. In joining them, he created a shared experience, often the key to bringing a caller back from the brink. We began the role-play: "All right, so in this scenario, I'm a 42-year-old man, I have no friends, I'm at high (suicidal) risk. I lost my job; my family has been dead for years. I have no attachments, a history of mental health issues, I'm not taking my medications, and I've pretty much given up," my mentor said. "You ready to start?" "Sure, I said. I laughed nervously. I began the protocol for a call: "What's going on?" My mentor started in as the caller. Using the details we'd agreed on for the scenario, he told a story so powerful and so rich that it seemed we were moving from a fictional story into his real life. Suicide prevention training provides you with a basic format for each call: First, connect with the caller and assess the level of imminent suicide risk. Monitor level of suicide risk throughout the conversation. Second, determine underlying reasons for the call and explore those reasons with the caller. Third, brainstorm potential resources to assist the caller in improving his situation. Fourth, encourage the caller to call back as needed for further assistance or support. The hotline provided me with hundreds of pages of tips, perspectives, and stories of successful calls. But like becoming a new parent or climbing Mount Everest, no one can prepare you for the real thing. Only practice makes better. "Are ... are you thinking of suicide?" I asked my mentor, stumbling over my words. "Damn right! I've been thinking of suicide since I was 13. I've planned it out. I've attempted. I've felt the burn of the rope as it slid across my neck." There was no hesitation in his voice. "And how might you take your life?" "I dunno. There are so many ways, I haven't really thought about that." My mentor's comfort in chatting about killing himself shook me. I didn't know how to enter this man's world. I couldn't join him in his aloneness. I didn't want to. I stopped the role-play. "I have no clue what to say next." I said. "Okay, then let's talk about what happened." My mentor said, breaking character. "You lost me. I didn't feel connected to you." "Really?" I replied, still processing the role-play. "Definitely. You felt distant. What was going on for you in that role-play?" "It was hard to hear everything you were going through. I didn't really want to hear it." "Absolutely. Makes sense why this guy is so alone, right? It's been hard for him to trust anyone to connect with his pain, his suffering. Most people don't want to be around that. They don't really want to hear it. They're scared or don't have the time. So he remains alone." People join suicide prevention hotlines for myriad reasons. Some wish to give back, some have their own histories with suicide, some wish to experience a kind of pseudo-therapy environment prior to entering graduate school. When I first joined the hotline, I did it for my ego. I believed my mere presence on the phone would be enough, that my knowledge would be enough, that I could change a caller's world in a word. But conceptual knowledge isn't enough. A voice on the other end of the line telling you it isn't worth it won't save anyone. My mentor during that session taught me the most important thing I've learned about suffering: People call suicide hotlines looking for a connection, for somebody who can join them in their anguish. Sharing our pain with others, just being seen in our experience of pain, can create tremendous momentum toward alleviating our suffering. Empathy is what saves people. ** "We've been talking a lot tonight about the part of you that wants to kill yourself. But you called a suicide prevention line and are talking to me now. I wonder, is there a part of you that may want to live?" I asked Johnny. "I guess. I mean, I'm pretty scared of this thing hitting me. I'm not sure I want to die." "That's a powerful statement, and one to consider," I said. "In fact, I'm really glad you called tonight. It takes a lot of courage to pick up the phone, especially when a person gets to a place like where you are tonight. Placing your trust in a stranger, hoping they'll understand. That's hard." I began to notice a shift in our conversation. Johnny's breathing had slowed. Some of his tension seemed diffused. But now I was sure I could hear a train whistle. "That train sounds like it's getting closer." I stated, tempering my panic. "Yep, it's coming right at me," he said definitively. "Are you going to let it hit you?" I couldn't believe I'd said something so directly. There was a chance my question would backfire, would cause Johnny to prove he was serious by letting the train hit him. I was terrified. This man wanted to die tonight, and I'd just reinforced his decision. I expected him to start yelling, to tell me his pain was real and if I didn't believe him, just wait. But Johnny was silent. The pause gave me hope. It meant he was considering his options. The train whistle grew louder. Suddenly, Johnny took a deep breath and exhaled quickly. "I think I want to live tonight," he said. As soon as that last "t" came out, I heard the cacophony of a train passing by, the whoosh of air in the receiver of the phone. The train had passed by in what could only be inches. My body shook with relief. Nick Holt, LCSW, is a mental health therapist in Los Angeles serving the communities of Brentwood, Santa Monica, West LA, and Sawtelle. His expertise includes veterans, suicide prevention, and men's mental health. This post was originally featured on HuffingtonPost.com
Being an eager, determined, and active male within my personal and professional roles, I understand the inherent challenges when it comes to living and maintaining a balanced lifestyle. It is also a frequent complaint encountered within my role as a therapist working with men. These conversations often start off like this: "I'm functional. I have a good paying job, I'm dating, having sex, I'm happy. I'm close with my family and have quite a few close friends. I eat well, I exercise, take good care of my body, and I like myself. I maintain an active lifestyle and seek out new opportunities for growth and personal development. There's nothing wrong with me, so why should I consider seeing a therapist?" There are many ways to answer this question. For the purposes of this article, I focus on two responses. 1) Few of us fall into this ideal on a consistent basis. Yes, fundamentally and cognitively, we know exercise, diet and nutrition contribute to better mental states. That nature provides us the opportunity to connect with our spirituality, to rejuvenate, and relax. We know giving back to society, mentorship and volunteering reap deep intrinsic rewards. We understand management of stress is vital, and to do so, we need to carve out time to play, be creative and relax. We've heard the importance of healthy and intimate relationships; of the benefits afforded to processing and exploring recent events and stress. But really, who has time to do this?!? Too often, we have competing interests in our day-to-day lives. With pressures coming from employment, peers, family, household chores and more, our daily tasks often become hasty, triaged decisions based in reaction rather than prevention. This makes sense. The Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD) is a forum where member countries discuss issues and policies relating to economic growth, prosperity and sustainable development. The OECD reports people in the United States of America (USA) work more hours per year, and have more employees working "very long hours" than the average nation. Collectively, the USA ranks 33rd out of 36 nations when it comes to "time devoted to personal care and leisure," an outcome which contributes to poor physical and mental health. Furthermore, our society reinforces a minimized view of such therapeutic activities and encourages other means of support instead. Roger Walsh states, "(these activities) require considerable and sustained effort, and many (individuals) feel unable or unwilling to tackle them. (Individuals) often have little social support, little understanding of causal lifestyle factors, and a passive expectation that healing comes from an outside authority or a pill." He identifies advertising as a main method of refocusing us onto more economic, and easier, ways of soothing these desires. These mechanisms include "self-medicating" via alcohol, nicotine, unhealthy food and other compulsions, which, at a certain point, become unhealthy and suffer from the psychological concept of habituation, the perceived benefits yielding less and less relief over time. These societal messages are further reinforced by many of our friends, family, employers, co-workers and many others. What can we do? Stress exists in all of our lives. It is not a question of if we will experience stress, but rather how we will deal with it. My colleague Ken Howard, LCSW recently listedsome warning signs when it comes to your lifestyle. Here's what I think: 2) Seeing a therapist can be helpful in moving from reaction-based decision-making to a more proactive approach. In doing so, we create an environment for preventative health care and move toward a more balanced lifestyle. Like seeing a doctor for regular check ups and evaluations, seeing a trained mental health professional on a regular basis can be a great way to maintain consistency in perceiving, evaluating, interpreting and responding to the overwhelming complexity making up our daily lives. In fact, with many mental health symptoms seen in primary care physician settings, there is a push within the field to integrate mental health treatment earlier and more often in physical health treatment as well. Very few of us are allowed the conversational space required to explore the deep cognitive and emotional impact of our daily lives, not only on our minds but also on our bodies. Now what? Given the challenges outlined by Walsh, being proactive over your lifestyle is imperative. In order to move toward a more proactive view of your lifestyle and healthcare, I believe integrating mental health treatment or coaching into one's schedule is vital. Prior to a mental health evaluation, it is important to have specific goals in mind. For example, if you are stuck, one goal could be to gain clarity. Other helpful hints in searching out a therapist include interviewing your therapist to ensure they are competent in approaching your unique situation (some great sample questions here), and to establish mutually agreed upon goals prior to beginning treatment. There are exceptional treatment protocols in the field of mental health including resolving uncertainty via Motivational Interviewing and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, as discussed in my last post. This post originally appeared on HuffingtonPost.com
As a mental health professional, I can't help but think about how my favorite TV shows, books and music apply to healthy mental living. For instance, I am a big fan of Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey. The images are striking. The writing, brilliant. It taps my imagination, and reinforces my thoughts and beliefs via scientific research and theory. In a recent episode called "Unafraid of the Dark," I was struck by a discussion about how the factors that influenced the advancement of science and humanity parallel the tenets of a healthy philosophy for daily living. Here is the excerpt: It was the work of generations of searchers who took five simple rules to heart:
You can use deGrasse Tyson's five simple rules to encompass a broader view of personal growth, too. Taking them to heart can help us be more scientific in our thinking, which can lead to a more empathic understanding of ourselves and others in our daily lives. For instance, I connected deGrasse Tyson's first three points to the biases we hold in our daily lives. As briefly discussed in my last blog, cognitive distortions (or biases, a slightly less judgmental word) are always in play. It is not a question of if we are biased in our thinking, but rather a question of if we are aware of such a bias influencing our thinking, e.g. personalization, emotional reasoning, etc. A tool for all of us to better examine our thinking, and how our thinking influences our moods and behaviors, is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). From its inception, CBT has become the most widely researched and evidence-based form of psychotherapy. In some cases, research has demonstrated its being as effective as psychotropic medication. As Tyson talked about his fourth and fifth points, the frame of CBT was screaming through my mind. Some of the ways CBT provides a more structured and scientific approach to our thoughts, feelings and actions includes identification and evaluation of feelings, "automatic thoughts," intermediate beliefs and core beliefs, role playing, behavioral experimentation, examining the evidence, and many, many other mechanisms. The most important portion of Tyson's commentary is the fifth point. Tyson talks about how "even the best scientists were wrong about some things," and it's similar to how we can and should move forward once we accept the inevitability of our own errors. We do not achieve growth in our lives without missteps along the way. Ideally, acknowledging this will help soften our own tender approach and playful response to adversity in our lives when it comes. If we can't acknowledge our missteps, a real danger emerges in which we believe ourselves to be unequivocally right. In doing so, we often lose empathy towards ourselves or others. Research demonstrates what happens when we lose empathy in our relationships, and communicate with vehicles such as criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. The effects can be devastating on marriages, leading to a host of negative effects like lack of communication, emotional flooding, withdrawing from the relationship, even leading to affairs (1). By better examining our thinking through a more scientific process and softening our internal and external response to failure, we are better able to continue our journeys in personal growth in order to advance ourselves, those around us and, hopefully and ideally, mankind. Reference: (1) Gottman, John M., and Nan Silver. (1999). "How I predict divorce," in The Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work (Chapter Two, 25-46). New York: Three Rivers Press (Random House, Inc.) This post originally appeared on HuffingtonPost.com
I spend my work week tracking homeless veterans around Los Angeles County. I meet veterans in the environments they feel comfortable in and as a result, I get the chance to know them intimately. That's why my job takes me from the northwestern canyons of Malibu, 47 miles south to the underpasses and riverbeds of Long Beach. When I talk with others about my profession, many struggle to understand why I meet veterans in the field. My simplest response is this: Many of the veterans I work with do not see an issue with the manner they are living their lives. They have no interest in mental health; let alone think of themselves as someone with a mental health issue. To connect with these veterans, it is paramount to gain their trust and respect. Put yourself in their shoes. What if I, a complete stranger, showed up at your office during lunch and starting talking to you about your life? Invasive. Creepy. Awkward. Those might be some of your first thoughts. That's why I need time to establish a lot of trust, purpose and clarity in order to begin and maintain a connection -- and meeting veterans in the places they are most comfortable goes a long way to establish it. In working with veterans for the past five years, I have learned a lot about their lives, thoughts, feelings, actions, intentions and outcomes. These learnings have reshaped the way I look at homeless veterans, myself and my community. Here are four lessons homeless veterans have taught me: 1) They remind me it is really, really hard to trust, but are still willing to try. Many of the homeless veterans I work with have few social connections. They have been hurt throughout their lives, and distance themselves from further perceived pain. Their interactions (current or former) with loved ones often consist of critical, punishing, judgmental, accusational, contemptful and humiliating encounters. As a result, they avoid intimate or connected relationships with others, which continues their negative outcomes. However, if negative behaviors are not brought forth, they may be willing and open to creating a trusting relationship. Personally, I know this to be true. Numerous studies indicate alliance and rapport being some of the most reliable indicators of psychological outcome. This goes for mental health treatment as well as within our daily relationships. Establishing trusting relationships with others without aforementioned negative behaviors provides us a context for empowerment towards our greatest potentiality. If that attempt fails, we dust ourselves off and try again. 2) They have faced enormous challenges, but demonstrate resilience, bravery and hopefulness in their determination to try again. Studies suggest people who experience trauma, a highly subjective term, are likely to recreate future experiences of trauma. Said differently, what doesn't kill you, doesn'tnecessarily make you stronger. In fact, if untreated, it can hinder you throughout your life. Research also indicates a significant link between homelessness and trauma. Many homeless veterans have been through a great deal. Despite the adversity, they continue to demonstrate remarkable agility. I have seen them survive on jetties in Long Beach, in the iceplant on the sides of our freeways, and other areas not meant for human habitation. The odds of success are clearly stacked against them. Yet, after developing a trusting relationship with homeless veterans, I have seen them become more open to changing their lives. In fact, I have seen some of the most hopeless thrive once housed. To me, it is another reminder of our human potentiality. As a wise instructor once told me, "Your view of your clients as being either weak or strong is often a reflection of how you look upon yourself ... choose strength." 3) The odds are stacked against them, but they remain humorous, playful and creative. A view I hear repeatedly from homeless veterans about our society is that it is a rigid place often defined by haste, dysthymia and disgust. In spending years working to live, we miss out on so many opportunities to let loose. Through these individuals' personality, resilience, creativity, survival skills and foraging, they are often able to meet their daily needs. Despite the frustrations of getting public assistance, "returning to productivity" and the humiliation and exhaustion this process brings, they propagate a playful spirit. Play is vital for healing and connection, and tends to focus on the momentary. By focusing on the moment, homeless veterans remind me of the vitality of serenity and playfulness. Our approach to adversity helps us sustain and strive while seeking our goals, and caring for ourselves and others. 4) They are often ignored, but continue to express and assert themselves. Homeless veterans know what they want and what they do not want, and they are happy to share their views with you. Unfortunately, their expressiveness and assertiveness can be perceived as aggressiveness (and sometimes is). But as long as the aggressiveness is not physically manifest, I believe it is more helpful than passivity and diffidence. One of my main tools in working with homeless veterans is developing assertiveness. By helping them better connect to thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and contrasting intention from execution, they are better able to achieve intended outcomes within their lives. Deepening our congruency (verbal and nonverbal, feelings and thoughts), consistency and cultivating a safe conversation with others in expressing our needs increases our likelihood of achieving our desired results, and providing for the opportunity of others to assist us in our goals. These are a few lessons I have taken with me. These men and women continue to inspire and overcome, despite the odds. NOTE: I am defining "veteran" as follows: A veteran is someone who, at one point in his/her life, wrote a blank check made payable to The United States of America, for an amount of up to and including their life. This is not how the U.S Department of Veterans Affairs defines services for veterans. In fact, my daily work is typically working with veterans who are ineligible for U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs services. This post originally appeared on PickTheBrain.com.
‘I feel the most fulfilled and perform best when I am helping others in a direct capacity, and am learning in a collaborative work environment.’ I recently told a friend this. Being able to put such thoughts into concise expression hasn’t always been easy for me. In fact, in my past, I’ve actually had different ideals, which I’ve gravitated toward. These ideals had little to do with my aforementioned paraphrase. I’ve done considerable research on my interests and passions as well as possible career options, which take advantage of the intersection of these areas. I’ve read numerous books on these subjects, seen documentaries and lectures on the topics, and sought out a variety of mentors and a number of individuals in my own career search and selection. I’ve even done career assessment through surveys. I recently took one of these types of career assessments. The Strong Interest Inventory is based on Holland Codes, and is a common career assessment tool. I’ve utilized this testing in the past but for some reason my latest assessment provided a new perspective for me, and what I learned was quite revealing. Not only was the view interesting and relevant to me, but I believe my insights were not unique. This explains my reasons for writing about this subject. I believe my thoughts are relevant to many of you as well. [**] While on a trip to my hometown of Santa Cruz, California, I took time to meet up with David Thiermann to chat about my current career direction. (I am refocusing from entertainment marketing to mental health.) In the past, I have worked in a few environments where I perceived people caring more about the work getting done than the conditions under which it was completed. However, in addition to noticing this, I began to feel a deep disconnect between my own interests and my work. In bringing this up to David, we began to do some refinement when it came to my own personal ethos. To give a bit more of a background on the Strong Interest Inventory, I believe it would be helpful to better explain the Holland Codes. According to Wikipedia, the Holland Codes are as follows:
[**] Of course these self-rating and selecting types of surveys can vary by moment. At the exact moment I took this test with David, he found me to be feeling most capable and motivated toward the Social, Enterprising and Artistic categories. The most interesting part about this experience was David’s comment about our society and how it tends to treat Social categories. David mentioned that in his experience, he’s noticed that society tends to encourage people within the Social category to move toward Enterprising paths. BAM! His statement hit me like a ton of bricks. Not only did I feel this exact stigmatization toward my Social skills and Social career options growing up, but I perpetuated them by believing that I could excise them by working in “Social” settings, parameters and frameworks within the field of marketing. Upon further reflection, leadership and management were, and are, of incredible interest to me. As I see it now, my main issue within my experience in entertainment marketing was that in order to achieve leadership roles, I needed two specific things which I did not have at the time: patience and active mentors. I believe my issues surrounding “patience” are based on the fact that I didn’t enjoy my work. It gave me little in return for a lot of hours of hard work, commuting and stress. It paid the bills and developed my skill set, but the work was incredibly dull for me. What I wasn’t thinking about at the time was that I valued helping others not the work itself; and, in order to make my way up the corporate ladder, I would need to prove myself in an career path which provided little return back to me. What a revelation! I only wish I could have made this distinction a bit sooner in my life. This is not to suggest that by working in more Social environments I will not run into political situations, frustrations, people who are burned out and miserable, and need to exercise patience on a regular basis. However, when I was able to put my career into a Social framework, for me, the pieces began to better fit together and my current direction made much more sense. My purpose is helping others, not about persuading, selling and dominating. I enjoy collaborative environments. Though I appreciate competitive environments, when it comes at the expense of other individuals it becomes intolerable for me. Now that I have had this realization, what is left for me to do? Simple. Now I need to take the next step. I need to figure out a way to tap into more S.E.A. tasks and farm out as many of the C.I.R. tasks as possible. This may seem like a simple concept but in better understanding it, it is truly making a monumental difference. [**] This post is meant to serve as a reminder to you that no matter much effort and energy you put into your life, you are only going to be able to achieve a level in life that you permit yourself to through such vessels as reflection, dedication, motivation, honesty, openness and risk. Even when you believe your current path to be absolute in its representation of your own life, life can still surprise you. I know it recently did for me. I encourage you to reflect on your own paths and see how you can better tune in to your life whether it is through a career coach, therapist, and friend or loved one. As in the wise words of my dear friend David: “When people stop going through transitions, they stop growing.” Read more at http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/being-stuck/#ywUkWAHmdOyXdb5z.99 I've been volunteering at a Suicide Hotline in Los Angeles for a few months. You would think that this opportunity would be incredibly depressing and eventually make me, by association, suicidal. However, not only have I had the pleasure of meeting some of the most compassionate and insightful individuals while volunteering, I have had the pleasure of being reminded by callers, on a weekly basis, how to take steps to live a better life.
Lessons of Suicide: To return the favor to these callers, I thought I would document a few of the lessons they continually remind me of: We all have (or will have) pain. Whether you are struggling with being depressed, anxious, are insecure, don't have many friends or family, have doubts, have made mistakes, are experiencing loss or any number of other emotions or feelings; you are not alone. What is different is your level of pain, and how you respond to these feelings of pain. Our personal relationships, work situations, developmental history, friends, family, and past traumatic experiences vary widely from individual to individual. However, it is my personal belief (and friends of mine) that life means suffering and suicide is seen as an option for dealing with such pain. In a situation where I'm feeling like my life is spinning out of control, it is understandable how someone would just "want the pain to end" and take control to end what they believe to be never-ending pain. The problem with this way of thinking is two-fold: one, as Daniel Gilbert makes clear in his clarifying the limits of our imaginations, a concept called "Presentism", in Stumbling on Happiness: "Your mistake was not in imagining things you could not know—that is, after all, what imagination is for. Rather, your mistake was in unthinkingly treating what you imagined as though it were an accurate representation of the facts." When someone is depressed, they see a future through their feelings of sorrow. Not truly acknowledging the fact that these thoughts are inherently biased. Secondly, given the duress and bias that the individual is suffering from, life varies and is thus uncertain, suicide is not. Desire self-improvement and personal growth. Given "life means pain", a satisfying life is one which requires a considerable amount of work and effort. This type of effort is not just a one-time investment, but continual reinvestment and re-dedication. Though this effort and energy is considerable, it is truly diminished when one of your options is suicide. A simple commitment to wanting to change your daily life, in its own right, can be tremendously powerful. Begin to develop skills in being more positive. It is very easy to be negative. Negativity also has a number of profound effects on us and those around us. It should, therefore, come as no surprise that when we dwell in negativity we can feel like we've tried everything under the sun, we find few reasons to live, and everything sucks. Like it should! It should come as little surprise that if our focus is, for the majority of the time, negative and we expend little effort in changing our circumstances -- how could we possibly be happy? Negativity is a habit, and habits can become part of who we are and how we feel. If you are to develop habits, I would cultivate the habits of understanding what you truly desire, what makes you happy, taking risk and making strides to achieve these desires. If nothing else, you are at least improving your likelihood of being happy. Know your passions, interests, values -- What are the five things which give you as much energy back as you give to them? Create connections. If you have a loving family, friends, partner, cat and dog, and neighbors, GREAT! Consider yourself lucky. Most of us have few of these and as we age, connecting becomes more challenging. Why is this? For starters, some of us are not in situations where we have a likelihood of meeting others of a similar age and interest e.g. not like the days of high school, college, sports, etc. Secondly, as we age our schedules get busier and busier. Work schedules take up 40-60 hours a week, chores engulfing another 10 a week, family and friends hopefully getting 10 hours a week, if you're lucky you are sleeping 50 hours a week, and what is realistically left? Many find themselves spending less and less time with others outside of work environments. Unfortunately, not being connected can really take a toll on the psyche. In my own life, I have been working especially hard to go the extra mile and talk with people I don't know, strike up conversations with people at events and parties, people I pass on the street, reach out to acquaintances and friends to schedule events, and be sure to connect to my good friends on a regular basis. This not only benefits your personal well-being, but can also positively impact your career and personal interests. Not a bad side effect. Related to this, trusting someone enough to talk to them about your deepest and darkest thoughts, feelings and desires, and not feel like they are going to judge you. This can be incredibly important. When asked about her friends and family, I remember a caller telling me that she "prefers and would rather be alone." Prefers to be alone but yet driven to the point of suicide? That insight changed the course of our conversation. Be realistic in your progress and celebrate the mundane. It can be a horrendous experience when someone is working toward improving their life but then experiences a set back. This set back can be in the form of a significant or minor trauma, or even can come in the form of self-doubt. In these situations, it is really important not to be overly hard on yourself and to be patient. Another important thing to remember is to celebrate your milestones, even if they seen incredibly trivial. Rewarding yourself for successes, growth and change is integral in building toward a better and more fulfilling life. These are a few of the lessons I've learned from people I've spoken with on the Hotline or through my own experiences. I just received a wonderful email about my last entry:
"I really enjoyed your latest entry, "My Experience in Business." You are definitely a Gen Y'er. Your perception of the workplace is similar to mine, but we differ on the "lifestyle of an office worker". Having been an office worker for some time, I have experienced office life long enough to know that it's not as black-and-white as Gen Y'ers seem to think. People need structure in their lives. Structure gives them purpose. Specialization gives people a sense of worth. The average person is a follower, not a leader. This is a good thing. Early humans had the choice of absolute individuality vs. conformity; they chose conformity, and civilization was born. People were given roles in the community, and thus the community thrived. Corporations are the same; they are in a sense a community. Companies are starting to see this and treat it as such. Microsoft built an entire community in Redmond, Washington and gave their workers unprecedented work/life alternatives. Google, Apple, and other tech companies have followed suit. [Modified to protect anonymity of response] -- In my own experience, workers at my company are encouraged to take time off. There are yoga classes and many clubs which meet monthly for extracurricular activities and to help employees to stay passionate about what they’re doing. Our building is at a constant 60% capacity as many people work from home/remotely. Each of the employees is a specialist in their field of work. At the end of the day, the corporation understands that work requires long hours and a certain level of structure, but also takes into account the individual's needs. I believe this type of environment is most conducive to quality output; a bit of "political correctness", conformity, and a healthy dose of work/life balance." Thanks again for the comment. I really value your contribution, and you bring up many relevant points. First, I think it is incredibly important to bring up the fact that there are some companies out there who are pushing the boundaries of what is an acceptable workplace environment and culture. Many of us are well aware of the cultures being created (or having existed for some time) at companies like Google, Dreamworks and other "Best Places to Work”. They are definitely leading the way in creating a work/life balance. Things like free or play time is encouraged and even mandated at certain locations, interpersonal relationships and respect among co-workers and bosses paramount, and as a result individual output and creativity are (in theory) maximized. I think Tim Sanders’ in Keith Ferrazzi’s “Never Eat Alone” frames the inevitability of this continuing into the future very well, and provides reasons as to why we might not ever return to “mean business” -- "Options within the marketplace" and the "Transparency of business": “At a time when more of us have more options than ever, there’s no need to put up with a product or service that doesn’t deliver, a company that we don’t like, or a boss whom we don’t respect.” He goes on to say, “It’s almost impossible for a shoddy product, a noxious company, or a crummy person to keep its, his, or her sad reality a secret anymore. There are too many highly opinionated and well-informed people with access to e-mail, instant messaging, and the web.” To me, the key distinguisher in what you said was: “Companies are starting to see this and treat it as such.” It is great that American business is moving in this direction. My blog entry was meant to focus more on my own experience, and I have not experienced consistent climates such as you described. However, I have definitely had the pleasure of working with some amazingly inspirational leaders and companies. Having employers who check in with their employees when they notice something wrong, who acknowledge successes and reward efforts appropriately and ultimately encourage their employees to grow (and not only in those ways which are desired by the company or dictated by profits), makes daily life at a company much sweeter. Unfortunately, at this stage of our corporate evolution, I think these environments are few and far between. My hope is that this continues to progress as you mention. However, my cynicism is that I have seen more companies providing outlets and opportunities for employees but yet rarely allowing these activities to take place. For example, I can think of at least 3 companies which have some sort of “activity space” for their employees. Yet, my understanding of the cultural perception of anyone actually using those areas is purely negative. To paraphrase: “Those slackers!” In fact, in one of the environments I worked in, the game table in the activity space actually had dust on it. To “Gen Y’s”, as you say, it was obviously just for show. I also cannot even begin to tell you how many emails I've seen talking about the "importance of corporate culture and employees" -- says the email which goes to the bosses, and my own, spam folder. “People need structure in their lives. Structure gives them purpose. Specialization gives people a sense of worth”, you say. Along these same lines, Gen. Patton once said, “An active mind cannot exist in an inactive body.” Personally, I agree with both of these quotes. However, I would make one small copy edit to yours. I don’t believe that “structure gives (people) purpose.” [Modified to protect anonymity of response] -- In my own experience, workers at my company are encouraged to take time off. There are yoga classes and many clubs which meet monthly for extracurricular activities and to help employees to stay passionate about what they’re doing. Our building is at a constant 60% capacity as many people work from home/remotely. Each of the employees is a specialist in their field of work. At the end of the day, the corporation understands that work requires long hours and a certain level of structure, but also takes into account the individual's needs. I believe this type of environment is most conducive to quality output; a bit of "political correctness", conformity, and a healthy dose of work/life balance." Thanks again for the comment. I really value your contribution, and you bring up many relevant points. First, I think it is incredibly important to bring up the fact that there are some companies out there who are pushing the boundaries of what is an acceptable workplace environment and culture. Many of us are well aware of the cultures being created (or having existed for some time) at companies like Google, Dreamworks and other "Best Places to Work”. They are definitely leading the way in creating a work/life balance. Things like free or play time is encouraged and even mandated at certain locations, interpersonal relationships and respect among co-workers and bosses paramount, and as a result individual output and creativity are (in theory) maximized. I think Tim Sanders’ in Keith Ferrazzi’s “Never Eat Alone” frames the inevitability of this continuing into the future very well, and provides reasons as to why we might not ever return to “mean business” -- "Options within the marketplace" and the "Transparency of business": “At a time when more of us have more options than ever, there’s no need to put up with a product or service that doesn’t deliver, a company that we don’t like, or a boss whom we don’t respect.” He goes on to say, “It’s almost impossible for a shoddy product, a noxious company, or a crummy person to keep its, his, or her sad reality a secret anymore. There are too many highly opinionated and well-informed people with access to e-mail, instant messaging, and the web.” To me, the key distinguisher in what you said was: “Companies are starting to see this and treat it as such.” It is great that American business is moving in this direction. My blog entry was meant to focus more on my own experience, and I have not experienced consistent climates such as you described. However, I have definitely had the pleasure of working with some amazingly inspirational leaders and companies. Having employers who check in with their employees when they notice something wrong, who acknowledge successes and reward efforts appropriately and ultimately encourage their employees to grow (and not only in those ways which are desired by the company or dictated by profits), makes daily life at a company much sweeter. Unfortunately, at this stage of our corporate evolution, I think these environments are few and far between. My hope is that this continues to progress as you mention. However, my cynicism is that I have seen more companies providing outlets and opportunities for employees but yet rarely allowing these activities to take place. For example, I can think of at least 3 companies which have some sort of “activity space” for their employees. Yet, my understanding of the cultural perception of anyone actually using those areas is purely negative. To paraphrase: “Those slackers!” In fact, in one of the environments I worked in, the game table in the activity space actually had dust on it. To “Gen Y’s”, as you say, it was obviously just for show. I also cannot even begin to tell you how many emails I've seen talking about the "importance of corporate culture and employees" -- says the email which goes to the bosses, and my own, spam folder. “People need structure in their lives. Structure gives them purpose. Specialization gives people a sense of worth”, you say. Along these same lines, Gen. Patton once said, “An active mind cannot exist in an inactive body.” Personally, I agree with both of these quotes. However, I would make one small copy edit to yours. I don’t believe that “structure gives (people) purpose.” I believe structure can give people purpose, but it is far from the only way to define ones’ life. What I will agree with is that I believe more and more people in our society are defining their lives by the work they do. In fact, this is what I did. I was an entertainment marketer ergo I was… well, when I realized what I was becoming, I quickly realized I was... an A**HOLE. In this case I believe my structure was not sufficient for my purpose, for I eventually realized that my structure was encouraging me to change my purpose and this was a decision I would not accept. The cognitive dissonance was too much. Ultimately, the most important thing to me is for people to choose their own purpose and desires, and commit to them. Even if it is just an exploratory commitment; lay out the plans and give them a shot! What I believe your point brings to light is that, in lieu of this self-defined "purpose", someone else will be quick to decide that fate for us. In fact, they do this every day. Corporations, our constant consumption, family, friends, significant others and other external pursuits will always provide a "structure" for us to define ourselves by. However, it is when we truly expend effort in searching these pre-conceived notions (virtually innate notions in certain cases?) within us that we figure out whether or not we wish to update our default purpose. In this manner, you are 100% correct in encouraging specialization. Let's just make sure that specialization is in fact in line with our true purpose or desires. Then, down the road when others look back at our civilization, maybe they can say that " People CHOSE roles in their community, and thus the community thrived." Cheers. Growing up in Santa Cruz County, CA, I feel I had an early insight into the work/life dynamic. From my early memories of it, people in Santa Cruz County had a varied life. It can be a challenge to find decent paying work in the County so many people commute into Silicon Valley, and elsewhere, to find work. You also have a University, a few major companies, number of tourist attractions and independent shop owners, huge surf scene and subsequent industry, and State Parks. This is all to say that Santa Cruz, as I would imagine you could say about some other non-urban areas of coastal California, has a great diversity of individual's career aspirations -- some leaning more toward work while others tilt more toward life. Growing up in this environment, and constantly evaluating where I am on that work/life scale, has stuck with me to present day.
My parents were little different. My father, being incredibly smart and successful in his career, had plenty of opportunities to work in Silicon Valley but decided to focus more on the life portion of his own personal balance. As a result his commute has always been limited and, though one of the leading engineers in his niche, he has been able to maintain a balance between a healthy bank account and having enough play time to recharge. However, I feel he is one of the few lucky ones. He found his job in the classifieds, interviewed, got the position and was able to grow with the company until he had a skill set vastly superior to others in the industry. He then marketed himself well (with the help of a good friend) and was able to be a part of a few other startups. He may not love every second of his day, but more often than not he is able to find more positives than negatives in his daily work. And, from what what I understand, he has a lot of autonomy in his work and is able to bring a high-quality product with a relatively low-cost to market. When you consider that he was kind of bouncing from job to job, I think he hit the lottery in many ways. I imagine there are people out there who spend far more time thinking about their careers with much less happiness and success! In my youthful judgment, I looked at my parents' careers and thought they could aspire to more. At the time, I was incredibly focused on monetary success and, for lack of a better word, power. My slant at the time could probably be boiled down to some cheesy motto like: "Get out of Santa Cruz, Take on the world." I always had an interest in psychology, consumer behavior, consumption, personal growth and many other psychologically-related topics so I thought, since I perceived little money in Psychology, I would go to business school. (It helped that a few of the people I most admired were in Sales or had worked for Fortune 500 companies.) At University, I enveloped myself in business. In fact, I really enjoyed marketing. (Note: I was an Integrative Marketing Communications major which coupled SDSU's Business and Communication programs.) The presentations, research studies, tactics, strategy, opportunities, possibility to change consumer behavior and the world were all fascinating to me. Even the Finance and Accounting classes were of great interest as I got a sense of how, in theory, the business world works. I didn't lose my interest in Psychology and ended up minoring in it -- "use my powers for good" I used to joke. When it was time for me to leave college and enter the workforce, I had a good track record built up. I had undertaken numerous internships while in college, reached out to numerous professionals in an attempt to build my network, and had given considerable thought as to my future career and industry. (Utilizing internal assessment techniques as well as reaching out to friends, family, colleagues and professional contacts.) So what was the problem? Multi-fold. My main problem, as I see it now, was that I only saw my future career options within the field of business. Growing up, I always knew my career would come down to either business or psychology (not to imply that they're not related) but at this time in my life, I was only envisioning business options. My secondary problem was that I had not factored in (nor was even aware of) some of the changes happening within "typical" white collar work. For example, changes in the global economy regarding globalization, downturn of markets and credit as well as more general changes such as increasing demands of corporations regarding specialization of labor and time commitment. Matthew Crawford, in his book "Shopclass as Soulcraft", agrees. I've used some of Crawford's points below to accentuate my points. (I believe it is important to note that these traits are not ubiquitous in the business world. I've definitely worked with some amazing bosses and worked for some wonderful companies.) Challenges in objectively and accurately measuring job function: Though companies increasingly look to bottom-line results to showcase individual performance, it is more challenging to break out exact contributors to these bottom-line results. As a result, performance and personal success is much more tied to the relationships of one's immediate co-workers which can be a crap shoot and come down to pure luck. Crawford goes on to say, "Managers have to spend a good part of the day 'managing what other people think of them.' With a sense of being on probation that never ends, managers feel 'constantly vulnerable and anxious, acutely aware of the likelihood at any time of an organizational upheaval which could overturn their plans and possibly damage their careers fatally." Work moving more towards "rules-based" functions as opposed to "cognitive-based" work: Crawford says, "...the new frontier of capitalism lies in doing to office work what was previously done to factory work: draining it of its cognitive elements." I was able to experience this directly in many of my career experiences. Related to this is the meaning of the work itself. For me, much of the work left me feeling depleted and lacking energy; whereas, interacting with others in my volunteer experiences has given me as much or more than I give to it. The lifestyle of an office dweller: Not only is it difficult to remain indoors from 8 AM -7 PM on a daily basis for an indefinite amount of time (rest of your life?), but the daily stress this "political correctness" can result in. As Crawford states: "A good part of the job... consists of 'a constant interpretation and reinterpretation of events that constructs a reality in which it is difficult to pin the blame on anyone, especially oneself... In this sense the corporation is a place where people are not held to what they say because it is generally understood that their word is always provisional." Related to this, these environments reinforce and support a host of undesirable traits. For me, I would much prefer to cultivate honesty, humility and positivity. Unfortunately, these traits do not have much of a ROI. Daniel Gilbert discusses in "Stumbling on Happiness" that there are few ways to get out of a rut, regardless of cause. To do this, we can either alter the amount we participate in a given activity or how often we participate in the said activity. For example, if I were to fill my days eating cake and became saddened in my continual pursuit of cake, I could wait longer before eating my next cake and/or start eating something else other than cake. No other way to break out of a rut. Unfortunately, our economy is pushing employees to a point of further specialization of labor as well as demanding longer and longer hours. Like the housing build up of the 2000's, given little if any increase in real middle class wages, this is only sustainable to a point. To say I had doubts in my career change is like saying Wilt Chamberlain slept with a few women. For quite a while I believed myself to be in, what Seth Godin describes as "The Dip" and that if I continued to pursue my path, I would be on my way to being one of "the best in the world". And of course, happiness would follow. However, I soon realized that I was not on this path, and was delving into deeper and deeper troughs. Of which, I was incapable of getting out of as my daily work continued to pile onto me, I was constantly focused on the micro, and I wasn't growing intellectually. I quickly understood that, to quote Godin, "one (I) must quit the wrong stuff and stick with the right stuff." I was falling off of a cliff and needed to re-evaluate my path and priorities. Crawford quotes Talbot Brewer as saying: "[T]o take pleasure in an activity is to engage in that activity while being absorbed in it, where this absorption consists in singleminded and lively attention to whatever it is that seems to make the activity good or worth pursuing." Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi called this "flow". Whatever you call it, it is what I realized I needed to pursue, and entertainment marketing (as I knew it) wasn't it. So, how did my Entertainment story end up? Um... If I were to grade myself, I'd probably give myself a "B". I was able to start out temping at a major studio, work my way into a full-time position, I continued to advance my title and salary, I continued to develop my career skill set but I became miserable. This said, I wouldn't change ANY of it given the amount that I've realized about myself. |
Nick HoltMental Health and Therapy Writer. As featured on Huffington Post, Vox Media and elsewhere. Archives
January 2019
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