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8 Little Ways To Build Mental Strength Every Single Day
By Shelby Deering

​Simple steps to becoming a more resilient, mentally tough person.

You don’t have to be the Dalai Lama or Oprah to achieve mental clarity and toughness. With some practice and armed with tips and tricks, you can find mental strength and in turn, improve your thinking patterns.

We asked a gamut of mental health pros—a therapist, a mindfulness coach, and an Olympian—to weigh in on what methods lead to better mental strength. They all have gone on personal journeys to discover their own mental toughness.

Nick Holt, LCSW, a certified cognitive behavioral therapist, shares that he is a “professional and personal survivor of suicide,” facing substance abuse and mental health challenges since he was a child. Lara Jaye, CEO of Lara Jaye LLC, is an author, speaker, and mindfulness expert who once dealt with depression, a marriage that was falling apart, and substantial health issues. Joanna Zeiger, PhD, is a professional triathlete and Olympian who says that she’s not a “natural” and lived an athlete’s life littered with injuries and unmet goals.

What do these three have in common? They dug deep and uncovered grit and determination to reach their versions of mental strength. Here are 8 practices you can start doing today to build up your own.

Increase Your Awareness Of Your Thoughts

Mental strength is important, says Holt, because “the world is full of uncertainty, change, and negativity.”

“In empowering ourselves to have a more connected, disciplined, and resilient existence, we increase the likelihood of having more contentment, support, and intimacy in our lives,” he says. And all that mental strength often starts with something that is equal parts simple and challenging—awareness.

“Personally, it’s taken me a long time to connect to many of my thoughts and feelings,” Holt says. “For the majority of my life, many of my thoughts and feelings passed by without much attention. They were fused into my daily behavior. These thoughts and feelings guided my life without much consideration of the validity or usefulness of them.”

Now Holt harnesses their power by observing his own life experiences, especially when negative situations occur. “As you enter this new level of connectedness to yourself, your thoughts, and your body, you enter a path of improving your confidence and self-esteem. You become more disciplined, experience more comfort within discomfort, and ultimately, become more mentally tough,” says Holt. (Here’s how to quit your negative thinking once and for all.)

Jaye believes that awareness starts by “silencing the mind chatter.” She says, “Become aware of the radio station that is running in the background. How are you talking to yourself? What do you really believe about yourself? Journal your thoughts.

Practice Visualization

Visualization is a technique commonly applied by athletes, something that Zeiger writes about in her book, The Champion Mindset. But it’s a method that’s not limited to athletes.

“I cannot emphasize enough the importance of visualization,” she says. “Visualization is an opportunity to mentally practice a situation so when the situation arises you are ready to conquer it. Most of the time, people use visualization to imagine perfect scenarios. In sports, it would be the perfect race, and in business, it could be closing an important deal and going over the conversations and actions that would lead to the deal being made. These types of visualizations, where everything occurs smoothly, are important rehearsals that can instill confidence.”

She adds that visualization can result in mental preparedness for whatever may happen, saying, “Most situations in life do not go smoothly. So, imagery during visualization does not only have to be just about success, but also how to handle glitches. I call these ‘disaster scenarios.’ At some point, disaster will strike, and you will be empowered through your imaginary practice to figure out how to navigate the difficulty.”

Jaye practices visualization every morning, setting her alarm a half hour before she needs to get up for the day. “I use that time to focus on what I am grateful for in my life, and then I do a 15-minute meditation focusing on my ideal outcome of some specific situation, including how I will feel when it happens. Sometimes I’m creating my life five years down the road, other times, I’m seeing my next speaking gig and what I’m communicating to the audience. Sometimes I’m envisioning myself happy, healthy, and fit, living on a warm beach. Every morning, it resets my mind and body to remember my goal and to feel what it will feel like when it arrives,” says Jaye.

Employ Positive Self-Talk

Positive self-talk is the thing that overtakes those negative thoughts when they creep in. Zeiger explains that when athletes endure long races, there are always rough patches that can easily lead to negative self-talk. “Athletes tell themselves things like, ‘I suck,’ or ‘I should just quit.’”

Anyone can experience similar thoughts, even if they’re not in the middle of a race. Negativity can surface when you’re sitting in traffic, having a disagreement with a partner, or facing a health crisis. “Positive phrases during these times, [such as] ‘This will pass’ and ‘I am a warrior’ will help alleviate the burden of the tough patch,” says Zeiger. “Every day, we are confronted with situations that can cause angst. The way we react will dictate the ability to move forward quickly. Our thoughts are powerful and can change our mood quickly from positive to negative or from negative to positive.”

Come Up With A Mantra And Use It Often

Once you’ve mastered the art of positive self-talk, pick a mantra for yourself and use it often, says Zeiger. It can be a favorite quote or a personal phrase that you’ve devised that just feels right when you say it to yourself.

Having a mantra naturally arise in your thoughts will no doubt take some practice and patience. Zeiger says, “Practice mental toughness. Just because you want to be mentally tough doesn’t mean you will be mentally tough. It takes a lot of practice.”

Be Mindful And Engage All Your Senses

Mindfulness is also something that can lead to more self-awareness. Jaye separates mindfulness from meditation, saying, “People often use meditation and mindfulness interchangeably, but they are different. Meditation is a way to practice being mindful. It’s to engage in contemplation or reflection.”

Jaye recommends using meditation as a way to become more mindful, alongside deep breathing, yoga, walking, spending time in nature, dancing, and eating. “Mindfulness is the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us,” says Jaye. “To become mindful, you can bring all five senses into whatever you are doing in the present moment.” That means allowing yourself to fully taste your food, slowing down to feel a warm breeze, or quite literally stopping to smell the roses.

Prioritize Self-Care And Quiet Time

Peaceful moments infused with self-care rituals can help you recharge your batteries so you can practice mental toughness the next day. Holt says to practice self-care and self-compassion “daily.”

Holt adds that self-compassion can only be experienced once we choose to be vulnerable. “Vulnerability is the portal that can lead to an appreciation of acknowledgment, empathy, compassion, nurturance, self-care, and much, much more,” Holt says.

Zeiger knows that even athletes need to power down. She says, “Mental toughness is not just about ‘going hard.’ It’s also about knowing when to fold your cards.” And she says not to judge yourself when you need a mental break.

Jaye is an advocate for using silence to get in touch with your true feelings and thoughts. “Be still. Take that quiet time each day to reflect, offer gratitude, meditate, and become mindful of the present moment without judging it,” she says.

Don’t Be Afraid To Experience Emotions

Emotions can undoubtedly be scary at times. None of us really want to face our confidence issues or the unhappiness we experience with a spouse. But Jaye says that it’s essential to feel all those emotions as they come up so you can begin to harness the mental strength you’re thirsting for. “Stop numbing yourself,” she says. “Welcome the emotions and thoughts. Allow your body to feel.”

Jaye also recommends using something called the RAIN Method when you become overwhelmed with emotions.

R: Recognize what you’re experiencing and thinking
A: Accept your emotions
I: Investigate these thoughts and emotions
N: Non-judgement of thoughts and emotions

“Just allow [the emotions] to pass naturally, because what we resist persists,” says Jaye.

Remove Yourself From Negative Situations

And if all else fails and mental toughness seems out of reach, it might be time to simply remove yourself from any negative people, places, or situations that weaken you or affect your thoughts.

Jaye says, “Notice the people and circumstances that are triggering you. Become aware and journal your thoughts.” In this same spirit, Holt says that it’s key “deepen your commitment to yourself and the people who make you feel good.”

“It is hard to be mentally tough if you are doing something you dislike,” Zeiger points out. “If you are stuck in a situation where you are unhappy or hate what you are doing, if at all possible, remove yourself from that situation into something more likable. If it is not possible—for example, you are stuck in a job you dislike and cannot move—make a list of the positives and focus on that rather than the negatives.”

Because at the end of the day, that is the foundation of mental strength. Focus on the positives, cast the negatives aside, and fixate on being the very best version of yourself.

#anxiety #tools #techniques #cognitivebehavioraltherapy #cbt

For me, the end of the year is a time of reflection, appreciation and gratitude. It's when I carve out time to be proud of myself and my accomplishments of the year. It's when family rejoins, and tradition and ritual come to a focus. During this process of reflection, I find it natural to reflect on areas for growth, development and change.

However, over the years as I've progressed through my experience as a certified Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, CBT therapist in West LA, I've noticed difficulty in executing some of the New Year's goals I set for myself. I know I am not alone in this. Much has been written about the importance of setting SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Time-bound) goals. In thinking about my past goals and in remembering discussions with friends and family, identifying goals is rarely the main barrier.

Too often I think our year-end reflections get filtered through a negative filter. Instead of dwelling on my accomplishments and successes, I tend to set goals that tap into my perceived inadequacies and dissatisfactions over the past year. Sadly, the outcome of this type of filtration is that I leave myself with a sense that I am, and/or my life, just isn't good enough.

Goals of this nature can become a checklist of tasks I "need" to or "must" do, and become a basis for my own feelings of inadequacy, lack of confidence and esteem, and tend to gain momentum throughout the year. Conducted through this lens, in the generation of goals, I struggle to finalize a thorough list of SMART goals and commit to executing them.

If you are someone who is able to carve out SMART goals for yourself, hold yourself accountable throughout the year and move forward in creating your ideal self and environment without distress, BRAVO! Keep up the excellent work! 

However, if you find yourself struggling to set SMART goals or executing change within your life, I have a proposal for you.

In a prior post, I recommended:

Similar to the above quote, it is important to remember that we all drift from our true intentions and goals -- each and every one of us. Therefore, it is not helpful to berate ourselves for this sort of drift.

It has been much more helpful to think about the times in my life when I have lived according to my desired goals -- going to the gym on a regular basis, cultivating meaningful relationships, treating loved ones in a loving, compassionate manner -- and reflecting on how I was feeling at those times, what I was thinking in those moments and factors that led to drifting away from those ideal behaviors.

Typically, I find that when I cultivate such compassion for myself, I'm in a much better position to share compassion and nurturance with the world and others.

If you are interested in working on your goals in 2018 and think a therapist might be helpful in keeping you on track, please contact my West Los Angeles psychotherapy practice today for a consultation.

#goals #newyear #change #psychology #inspire #reflection

I believe being in an intimate, connected and committed relationship is one of the most difficult things to do on the planet. Divorce rates in California have been estimated to be as high as 60%.

In my Master's in Social Work coursework at University of Southern California, one of my favorite courses was Couples Therapy -- the interplay of seen and unseen dynamics, complexity of internal and external factors on the relationship, historical intimate relationships playing out in the present. Relationships are as fascinating as they are challenging.

I highly recommend listening to Perel's podcast as a portal to seeing you and your relationship differently. As an entry into the podcasts, as a self-defined heterosexual, hypermasculine male, I found Season One, Episode Five and Season One, Episode Seven to be most relevant.

Happy listening!

Learn more about my Cognitive Behavioral Therapy psychotherapy practice. 

#couples #therapy #masculinity #relationships #intimacy #love #support #psychotherapy #psychotherapist

I love thinking the majority of my thoughts are worthless without action. That I am an observer of, not subjected to, the electrical storm within my mind. A growing gale nurtured through my focus and attention.

I love thinking I can choose to engage and ignore my thoughts -- to give life to my deepest passion and exile my darkest anxiety. These are things I focus on within my West Los Angeles psychotherapy practice.

"...5% of our thoughts are actually meaningful and relevant..."

What an empowering reminder.

Here are a few of my favorite quotes from the Forbes article "A Better Way to Deal With The Negative Thoughts In My Head."

Shannon Kolakowski, PsyD notes:

“Defusion is the process of noticing your negative or anxious thoughts, such as ‘I'm going to be alone forever,’ and then responding to it with openness and curiosity as a distant observer,” says Kolakowski. “Rather than accept your thought as the ultimate truth, you recognize that thoughts will come and go, but you don't have to believe them or act on them. You become an observer, saying to yourself ‘I'm having the thought that I'm going to be alone forever,’ and then try to explore that thought with curiosity."

“Creating a new relationship with your thoughts is freeing,” says Kolakowski. “You may not be able to control what thoughts pop up, but you can control how you respond to them. And you can control what action you take."

Ajahn Amaro notes:

“We tend to think that our thoughts are oppressive,” says Amaro, “and that therefore we should make them go away…Oftentimes meditation instruction is about stopping your thinking, as if thoughts are a kind of brain disease, an infection, an intruder. But the very act of pushing them away, and adopting the sense that they’re intrinsically intrusive, actually makes them more powerful. Rather than relating to them in that way, there’s another attitude we can have toward them—not taking them personally.”

He adds that the vast majority of our thoughts are, at best, random, and at worst, destructive. “One of the first things I emphasize when teaching,” he says, “is that 5% of our thoughts are actually meaningful and relevant, and 95% are replaying movies, music, and recollecting. It’s mostly just debris. I often encourage people to look at it like listening to neighbor’s radio–you understand the content, you can hear the words; you might sometimes get excited about an ad, or a talk show. But you don’t really care on a personal level. You relate to your neighbor’s radio in a non-personal way—we can have the same relationship to activity of the mind. It doesn’t have to make a big story around the thoughts. It’s an attitudinal shift.”

#thoughts #thinking #shift #mindfulness #meditation #anxiety #givelife

It took me a long time before I realized the depths of my anxiety. For much of my life, I self-managed my discomfort by doing -- sports, hobbies, education, friends, family, writing and more. My checklist of "to-do's" helped regulate an early experience of feeling out-of-control, and gave me a sense of empowerment over my life.

It has taken me even longer to breakout my nuanced thoughts and feelings encompassing my anxiety. I am still learning, and still reminding myself of the importance of psychotherapy. Psychotherapy can be an important space of safety for exploration, understanding and compassion, and in rekindling my awareness and intention.

With clients, I sometimes share a lighthearted prompt: "I'm not only the hair club president... (I'm also a client)." It's meant to be a reminder that mental health and psychotherapy is not only about knowing but remembering.

We all drift from our good-enough selves. Being adaptable, resilient and committing time to reconnecting with our passions, purpose and cultivating a process to do so is most important.

We (men) struggle to do this, and this is one of the reasons why I love working in the field of Men's Mental Health in West LA.

It is hard enough for men to care for their physical vulnerabilities, let alone exposing our emotional selves. From a young age, boys are encouraged to "suck it up" and "walk it off." Messages of repressing pain and discomfort still permeate our culture.

Unfortunately, there is a consequence to this. Learn more about the challenges of men seeking support:

Let us remember to take good care of ourselves and one another. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to reach out. I am happy to share my perspectives.

-Nick

#men #masculinity #love #caring #anxiety #psychotherapy #thoughts #feelings #empowerment #reachingout #trust

I was talking with someone today about how difficult our lives can be. Our conversation intensified as we entered the specifics -- working, families, politics, exercise, hobby, income, retirement, safety.

As we hit a high point in the conversational anxiety, a small Finch plops down on the chair in front of us, stares into our eyes, flicks his wings and barks at us before flying off.

In that moment, he understood so clearly what we needed.

Here's one of my favorite #breathing exercises I use to reconnect with myself in times of #distress:

According to the people I learned this from, if you wish to gain energy, take longer inhales and shorter inhales. For less energy, breathe shorter inhales and longer exhales.

#grounding #love #earth #stillness #letgo #peace #breathe

-- Enjoy your day

I've spent a large part of my life living within core beliefs of not good enough, inadequacy and incompetence.

Out of an almost obsessional pursuit to disprove these internal fallacies, I have been driven to do more, hold myself to "higher" standards and take full responsibility for many neutral-negative encounters I have. As I reflect on a lifetime spent in this default mode, I recognize it's had a significant impact on my contentment, confidence and self-compassion.  

In my personal life, I've had moments of desperately seeking validation from the external world, which rarely comes. It's taken a long time to build reserves from within, find peace with uncertainty and be confident within my voice. 

I know these thoughts and beliefs have distanced me from others -- "less people around me, the less 'burdens' to take on" -- and framed many encounters as a way to get my needs met rather than just sharing space and connection.

I LOVE this piece. It's short but addresses these traits in direct way and acknowledges the impact of highly competent traits in the workforce and in our personal relationships.

 “If someone (in the workforce) is doing more than his fair share, compensate him for it. If not, he may ultimately leave and seek recognition elsewhere. Similarly, in our personal relationships, we should recognize that just because our high-ability partners can do something for us, doesn’t mean that we should let them. And if they do help us, we should recognize it and thank them for it. Otherwise, they too may end up feeling burdened by us, and less satisfied—and that should be the last thing we want to do to a good employee or a good partner.”

#competence #work #relationships #burden #incompetence #inadequacy #therapy #therapist #beliefs #ocpd #perfectionism

I'm excited to share my brand new private practice brochure! I just spent a few solid hours working with the amazing staff at FedEx to finish.

Fun cultural fact: If you Google, "to see if working together would be a good fit" with quotations, 90% of websites listed are from therapists. Apparently, we're the only ones who use that phrase.

Learn more about my certified Cognitive Behavioral Therapy West Los Angeles psychotherapy practice.

#therapy #therapist #westla #westlosangeles #90025 #cbt

Emotions are part of our daily lives. The breadth of feelings within the human condition are what makes life interesting, exciting and dynamic. Our experiences influence our moods, and our thinking plays a big part in how we feel.

Unfortunately, life is not always positive. For many of us, it is only a matter of time before we are confronted with relational, social, career-related and familial changes. These adaptations are normal, but create certain emotional states. Depending on our prior experiences and beliefs about ourselves, the world and others, our biased reactions may become distressing. This stress becomes problematic when it does not improve, increases in consistency, and impacts our social, occupational and other important areas of our lives.

Major Depressive Disorder affects over 16 million people in the United States. Typical reactions include issues with sleep, appetite, weight changes, loss of energy, interest in daily activities and pleasure, decreased focus or concentration, thoughts of suicide and more. If you find yourself stuck in a cycle of depression, self-help techniques may not be enough. It can be difficult to find appropriate social supports and tools to reframe many of our negative thoughts.
If you find yourself struggling with your symptoms, I recommend finding a certified Cognitive Behavioral Therapist in your area.

According to the Beck Institute, “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a time-sensitive, structured, present-oriented psychotherapy directed toward solving current problems and teaching clients skills to modify dysfunctional thinking and behavior.” For mild and moderate depression, CBT has been shown to be as effective as psychotropic medication.

Depressed mood is part of our lives, but suffering doesn’t have to be.

Here are 3 ways you can try to improve your mood:

1. Increase your awareness of your thoughts, feelings, behaviors and situations when negativity seems strongest.

​I know it’s overly simplistic, but just because you think something doesn’t make it true.

In our culture, we confuse thoughts and feelings, and are likely to believe our thoughts are biologically ingrained and incapable of change. CBT labels these reflexive thoughts as “automatic thoughts.”

To combat the distress created by automatic thoughts, beginning a process of observing our thinking and feelings in a non-judgmental manner and paying attention to situations when we are more sensitive to negative emotions is imperative. This practice deepens our awareness of our thoughts, connects them with specific situations, triggers and themes, and can improve our confidence in managing our own internal pain.

2. Deepen your commitment to yourself and people who make you feel good.

When it comes to depression, the best cures are action and increasing social supports.

But this is the insidious nature of depression. When we do not have the energy, interest, sleep or concentration to engage and connect with activities or supportive loved ones, we don’t do it. If we continue not to do something, we feel worse and become more likely to avoid the task. This sort of self-defeating emotional reasoning — “I feel, therefore I am/think…” — can be a significant impediment in moving forward in our lives.

Empowering ourselves by committing to a goal of activity and supportive connection is a disciplined way of exercising self-care and self-compassion. Both of these concepts are vital in combating depressive episodes.

3. Practice daily self-care and self-compassion.

I know it sounds simplistic and contrived, but you have to regularly take care of your physical and mental health. But don’t worry, it’s a lot easier than you think.

​Self-care might include exercise, spending time with supportive others, in nature and by yourself, psychotherapy, nutrition, personal training, massage, intentional nothingness (e.g. being intentional in doing nothing), coping cards, reading and many more activities.

Self-compassion might include treating yourself with love and kindness, decreasing self-blame and self-loathing, increasing emotional tools and coping mechanisms, and more.

Rather than thinking of your depressed mood as being representative of you, try thinking of it as a cue or reminder that it’s time for some self-care and self-compassion.

And with that, I’m off to spend some time with my family outdoors. Here’s hoping you find something to rejuvenate, recharge and refresh yourself today.

Nick Holt, LCSW is a certified Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, CBT therapist in West Los Angeles, California. As an BBB Accredited Business, he runs an intentionally small, part-time private practice for clients looking for targeted mental health treatment and support on weekends and evenings. His specialties include treatment for depression, anxiety, trauma, grief and loss for survivors of suicide, and support for suicidal ideation.